As this internship closes...

It is absolutely unreal that this internship is almost over! It's been a year and a half since I started this journey and I can't believe where it has taken me. It's hard for me to see and admit how I have changed over the course of that time, but I can tell you this has been a season of redemption and re-aligning my life with Christ. I am unrecognizable as a person compared to who I was a year ago.

I gave my life to Christ a few years ago. I still remember the moment I had my arms in the air surrendering everything to Him in worship the night before my Granddad passed away. I had no idea that that night at Shift would be that night. I had no idea what I was doing in that moment would change the direction of my life. Almost two years later I found myself working as an intern at Flatirons contemplating if I had actually given my life to Christ. Almost 11 months after starting the internship program I have realized not only have I surrendered everything to His power but I have a whole new life in Christ – I am a new creation.

The biggest change I've seen in myself has been in my attitude. I've learned when I need to ask for help and that asking doesn't mean that I have failed at anything. Admitting I don't know something and that I need help figuring it out makes me a better leader. I've learned to be okay with doing something I'm not good at and learning how to do it better. I've learned how to lean on God for everything in my life and not just the good or easy things. It's never been easy for me to trust God with my relationships, my employment, or my money, but I feel like I did a decent job of trying to figure out what that looks like this year. I'm somehow more equipped to recognize how God is working in my life and what is actually the enemy disguising himself in God's light.

My attitude toward the church has changed as well in the best way possible. The theme of 2015 for me has been Can over Can't. I can do all things because of Him, not "I can't be with you, do that, wear this, or see that because of some reason I'm not entirely sure of." I may not always be the happiest, nicest, most put together, or politically correct person in this building but I know I have changed and can stand firm knowing my value. I don't hang out with certain people because I want something better, not because some church said I can't do something. #sorrynotsorry to those who aren't in my life because of that. 

In this internship I have learned what it really means to do "ministry”. 

Pre-internship: I thought being in ministry/being a minster meant standing on an oversized stage telling people how to live their lives. 

As the internship closes, I realize that ministry isn't a job it's a way of life. If it becomes a job, then I need to rethink how I'm "doing ministry". It's, well, a ministry. There are times where it feels like even on my days off I’m not “off”.  I’m still fielding questions, texts and phone calls, and attempting to not check my email. Rest has always been something that has been difficult for me, but this season has taught me how necessary it is and I’m learning to do it. Sometimes better than others!

I also see my ministry as a family. As most of you know, my family is far from normal. Of course, I have dealt with some of the most difficult and crazy situations with them since starting my internship. Lara told me even though I might feel like I don't know why all of this is happening to me now, God has had me right where he wanted me all along. People here have asked me tough questions, told me the truth even when it hurts, and were gracious enough to care about me while I'm hurting. I don't know how I could have dealt with some of these situations without the support and love of my friends and family in this building. 

Ministry with students doesn't just happen on Sunday mornings and Sunday nights. It's text messages on Christmas Eve from a student whose great grandma is sick and knows I would understand because my grandma is sick too. It's being vulnerable and sharing my story with high schoolers in hopes that they accept me, open up to me and invite me into their story. It's being outside myself during a traumatic time in my life to be there for students who are experiencing trauma so large it makes you feel so, so small. It's sharing super embarrassing pictures and stories of myself from high school to make your students feel less awkward. It's being so tired that you are delirious and slap happy for days after you're home from camp because you stayed up too late eating ice cream, woke up too early, and played way too much ultimate frisbee. 

Caring for my leaders is just as equally important as caring for the students. Stepping into this internship I knew that if I was going to live out of this new life that Christ had given me I was going to need new friends. My old life was so toxic and scary that I knew that most of the people in my life were going to get the boot. Whether I kicked them out or they stepped out, and whether it was intentional or not, that definitely happened. Not only did I know that part of my ministry was going to be building community with the west campus leaders, I knew I needed new friends and new people to do life with. In the beginning my motivation was super selfish but it took on a whole new life of it's own the more comfortable I got with what I was doing.

Leader care isn't just driving, coffee and lunch dates. It's being with like-minded adults when they are sick, hurting and confused and helping them serve our students better. It's writing a billion and one cards for all occasions not because I have to but because I truly want to. It's finding a common ground and continuing that new life in Christ with wonderful people who (in my case) also happen to love shooting guns. It's waking up way too early to run multiple half marathons because we are too wimpy to run a full. Leader care gives a new meaning to being "on call". 

The Best and Worst Parts

As the first (and only) West Campus intern I got to be the guinea pig for a lot of things and I loved it. I also got to be a part of a lot of really cool things at West. Helping Ben launch student ministry was probably one of the biggest and greatest things I have ever gotten to witness. It has been such a fun and humbling experience to see this ministry grow because the leaders are becoming friends and students are getting close to each other. 

Another one of the best parts of the internship is being part of a team. My previous work environment was not healthy and teamwork didn't exist. It was everyone against everyone else, seeing coworkers work together and support each other was something I hadn't seen before. Since my time was split between kids and student ministry and I was at West Campus, I had three teams on my side that became my new family here at Flatirons. There were a lot of moments where I felt super connected with one team, but left out from another. While navigating that was not easy most of the time, I felt that it gave me a different advantage during the internship. I was able to see how all of the ministries at West Campus ran and how they all worked together. I learned a lot.

I was a part of the West Campus team for our first Christmas, the one year anniversary celebration, as well as #flatironsunplugged when we experienced the power outage. That morning was by far one of the coolest moments I have ever experienced at church. Not just seeing how all of the staff and volunteers worked together to put that service together, but also how much of a turning point it was for the community of our campus. 

I know this year wasn't perfect, but I am having a really hard time thinking of what the worst parts of this internship were. The parts that I think of when I think of what was "bad" about this internship were waking up early, sitting at a desk in front of a computer all day and being in charge of what I was supposed to wear to work every day. Those things all sound really, really stupid but since I have worked in restaurants for so long they were legitimate concerns coming into this internship. I still struggle waking up early sometimes, but 9 am doesn't scare me as much as it used to! I love that for the first time in my life I lived in a real house, however the intern house is definitely one place where "Excellent Environments" do not exist. As thankful as I am to have lived there I am happy to be moving on, and I know I never want to live with 4 other women ever again. 

One of the best and the worst moments I had was when I realized how much of a terrible leader I used to be. It sucked, but it definitely made me a lot more conscious of my actions and words as a leader moving forward and improved my relationships with those I was leading. Another one of those best/worst moments was realizing that this new life I had in Christ wasn't going to look the same as my old life. Shocker, right? I could no longer be two different people. I was not able to hide things like I used to. I wasn't a Christian by day and conformer-to-society by night. I was a Christian, a youth worker, an intern, and a ministry worker 24/7. One of the best things and also worst things that came out of that was the “friend cleanse” I mentioned before.

I have learned that there is a life outside of waiting tables and being "the beer bitch", and the new life is oh SO good. I have also learned that even though I don't want to do it again, it is possible to live with 4 other women and share an office with them. Most importantly, the best thing I can continue to do is to love God, love people, and lead well. I've learned how to love different people in different ways, and also that love doesn't always look like what I think it should look like. I've learned how to pray for those in need and ask for prayer for myself and for my family. I've learned not only how to lead people, but lead people well. I know God has had his hands on every interaction I have had in the last 11 months and will continue to be a part of my life after the internship.

I know I have a new life. My life didn't just change direction, it became new in HIM. I have no fear that I will go back to all of my old destructive friends and habits because I have a new and improved support system that won't let me cross that path. I am so confident in His love for me that I know no matter where I wind up I will be the best me that I can be, because God created me. 

I am so incredibly thankful that I have gotten to be a part of the Flatirons family as an intern, and even more thankful for those here that helped me get to where I am now. While it is bittersweet for this internship to be ending, I am so excited for my new role and what the future holds. In Philippians 1:6 Paul says:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

I feel like I rarely complete things or finish them well, but I thank God every day that I am able to do both of these things with my internship and be able to move forward doing something I love. I know how good God is and couldn't imagine my life without His goodness and the hearts of everyone here who has helped me see it and live it out!

What do you do when Netflix isn't working?

Write a blog I guess. That's seriously what I need to get me writing. I've sat down with this silly window open more times than I can count with the intention of gracefully articulating my life, but for some reason nothing comes out. However over the last few months I've had some wonderful experiences and opportunities that I want to share! Even though I'm sure all of you who actually read this have heard these stories multiple times already.

There are few times where I'm crying more often than not, but the end of March proved to be one of those times. I had felt unneeded, unworthy and very lost for so long. But out of that I saw so much of His love, and I got something so spectacular and so beautiful in return: To spend an entire day with my nephews in Florida. Oh I love those little boys so much. They're just not so little anymore. They are so full of personality and spunk and are really growing up. When I think about  my siblings getting older I always feel old, but knowing that my oldest Nephew is going into middle school and is almost taller than me kills me. It makes me feel like I need to eat early bird dinners, take up knitting and go to bed at 7 pm. Oh wait....just kidding I got to bed at 9.

I was able to see these boys grow, ask me questions about me, our family and most importantly JESUS. How AWESOME is that??? HIS love is so in their hearts, and it makes my heart so insanely happy to know that they know, at such a young age, how much He loves them.

In April my family experienced a tragedy that I have been all too familiar with over the last few years: one of my grandparents died. Being Memorial Day weekend, it's a little emotional to think about Granddad and Grandpa Kenny being gone. But my dad's dad Lentz passed away in April, and even though I had only met him a handful of times, I still joined my family to remember him.

His passing brought something so great and so sweet to our family, something that I hope everyone saw at his memorial: he brought us all together. He brought us all into this world, and him leaving to be with Jesus brought us all together for the first time in almost 16 years.

I'm very thankful that this happened in this season of my life. I work in a place where I can call and tell them something just happened and I'm allowed to take care of it and be with my family. I have friends, roommates, teammates who prayed for me and with me through that time. I truly believe I couldn't have been present with my family the way I was without their support.

Back in September my step mom, her family and I made a decision that I would be a "parent" chaperone for my brother and sister's school trip to Yellowstone National Park and The Grand Tetons. It felt like it would never come, but alas I went on that trip a couple of weeks ago! I had so much fun. It was challenging, but it was fun.

The win of the trip was watching my little brother hike up at the front of the group with the guide and then tell his whole class that he really enjoyed hiking, and that he liked that they let him go at his own pace instead of forcing him to do something more than he wanted to do. I wasn't as able to spend as much quality time with my sister because...well boys are more important that sisters sometimes. My biggest takeaway from that trip was 1) learning the extent to which middle schoolers are like hummingbirds, 2) realizing middle school is so awkward, but these kids are awesome and have awesome teachers to see them through it, and 3) they say some of the weirdest things I've heard in my life. I was constantly entertained. It was really cool to see LT and Tana be with their friends, and for me to be around their friends too. My siblings are really cool little people, and I'm so grateful to be their sister.

LT will be in high school, and Tana is growing up way too fast. We are entering into a new season of our sibling-ship...and it's really easy for me to be negative about it. I want to get so mad about how late he sleeps and how her attitude is through the roof, but I can't. I was like that once. I can still be like that now. I can't continue to project my anger on myself out on them. Now, Jesus has given me words to have tough conversations with them in a loving way, and given me the ability to be stern with them without losing the trust and respect that we have for each other. I am no longer carrying the burden of my past, I am no longer gripping that anger, and I no longer feel the need to displace it on them. I can love them, even through their teenager years.

I'm entering into one of the last phases of this internship. I've found a new home in August and will soon begin the job hunt. The first official school year of student ministry at west campus has wrapped up, and I am in shock and awe that God chose me to help this team launch that ministry. Me. I had no experience. Regularly I tell myself I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll talk myself down, and immediately shoot back up. Never-ending.  I'm less than a year out of a horrendous lifestyle. But even though I felt unexperienced, God gave me the ability to take myself out of the equation, lead our leaders well, and pour into the students.

I was given the opportunity to use my gifts and I excelled. I found excitement in things I have never liked before, and found that I have strengths and gifts in areas that I would have never imagined. I have seen how God takes everything from the good, the bad, and most especially the ugly pieces of our lives and works them for HIS Glory!

Learning to be vulnerable and uncomfortable is my new "comfort zone" and I will continue to look for ways to step outside of that box and let God do His thing. He has truly changed my heart. It's no longer about the long list of "can't", "don't", and "won't"s...but all of the things I "can", "do", and "will".

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
-Philippians 4:13

I see this every day because I made it a permanent part of my body, but I still forget what it means often. I have it because I'm physically strong, but also because Christ gives me life!! I CAN do all things, not "I can't because ________". I'm tired of thinking that way. I tend to run and hide when it comes to all things vulnerable, emotional, or difficult. While confrontation still isn't my strong suit, Christ's strength is giving me strength to move forward, make better choices, and see what He does in my life, and not just what doesn't happen.

Falling in Love with Jesus

Almost four months ago I stepped into this internship knowing I was going to work my butt off, never sleep, and was hoping to always be happy. I'm pretty sure over the course of this internship all of those things have been proven wrong except for the first one.

My first week I told my leads how easy it is for me to take on too much and that I need to be intentional about the projects I take and put limits on myself for what I'm responsible for. I felt like I was setting myself up for success with boundaries in place before I was overwhelmed. Boundaries have always been something I struggle with so I came into this season of my life hoping that would change. In retrospect, that was a very silly expectation. 

Babe cave Christmas tree

I need to tell you those things because I want to talk about the good and the bad of this internship experience. It's difficult to contain it to an email to my supporters, to a status update on Facebook, or a tweet (we all know how long winded I am, 160 characters will hardly ever suffice). Even writing a blog about it is difficult because it's the little things that you won't understand unless you were there that make this internship worth the sleepless nights, long drives and the feeling of constantly working. Luckily, when you do something you're passionate about work doesn't really feel like work. The hardest part of "working" for me is learning how to use my computer.

West Campus Kids Min ladies and Alison

It's hard to imagine that I can say that we just completed the very first semester of student ministry at the west campus. It has been such an amazing experience to see this ministry grow and change in the few months I have been around. I have loved seeing our students form friendships with other students and leaders and to see the wheels turning in their brain when they think about Jesus. I have learned so much from them! I am torn between having feelings of thankfulness that my Sundays have gone from 14 hours to 6 hours but also being disappointed that I will only get to see the students at church on Sunday mornings. Luckily next semester will start in 3 weeks and we will all come back rested with a fire ready to go until summer. 

Controlled Chaos leaders at the Christmas party!

A few of the highlights from the last four months include: having difficult conversations with students, meeting parents, playing octoball until my ribs are no longer in place (true story), bonding with the other interns during our Monday night dinners and feeling even more togetherness during our Tuesday morning staff meeting. I have gotten to see parts of children's ministry, student ministry, Merge, and our women's community teams and their programs that I would have never gotten to see.

West Campus ladies with Amanda at Breakfast Club!

• I organized volunteers for "My One Wedding" and got to watch 8 couples take their lives together a step further by living together in a marriage in the way that God wanted it to be. 
• I taught a lesson in preschool ministry for the first time
• I played with 7 rambunctious kids way past my personal bedtime so the members of our worship team could enjoy an evening to celebrate a successful year before the craziness of the Christmas season kicked in
• I have met some awesome people who I share so many hobbies, interests, life experiences, and struggles with
• I got put in charge of social media outlets. Go figure I'm FINALLY being paid to be on Facebook! haha 
• Twitter: FCCInterns
• FSM West Facebook
• My Personal Facebook Group
• I've learned a lot about myself, my heart, and my intentions with people
• I've praised God, prayed to God, cried to God, questioned Him and yelled at Him
• I even attended my very first church lock-in (yes at 25 years old), and can now say I've slept at my place of employment. Although I think I took more of a nap

I have also struggled a lot, but learned that it is okay. And I've prayed a lot. Like a lot. For different things and people, but I'm never really clear. And then I thank God that He knows my heart and that He hears my prayers when even I don't know what I'm praying about. 

More than work, I struggle having boundaries with my family. I know I have some unhealthy relationships. I've worked for years to set boundaries, and I always wind up guilting myself into going back into bad habits. I've been doing pretty well with sticking to my guns, but it's not easy. I have cried and prayed about these relationships so much over the last 12 months, and that has sincerely increased since September. Boundaries means protecting myself, not doing too much, and being a safe person. 

putting my feet up after a long weekend to
watch the game in the empty auditorium 

I may have told my leads how easy it is for me to take on too much, but I should have taken my own warning. I always do what needs to get done, and I am fine. I was worried about working too much, even as an intern. And while some weeks will be much busier than others, I know it is only temporary. Emotionally, I try to bear too many burdens. My heart takes too much responsibility for those closest to me, including my family and friends. Sometimes saying "no" is the best way to show real love, but it also can be the most devastating. I have come to a fork in the road where I will be saying no a lot. I won't be allowing myself to stress over and worry about the things God has under control.

This weekend was a particularly crazy one. From Merge lock-ins, women's breakfasts, leader lunches and obnoxiously bad timed disappointment. To my normal Sunday routine of kids ministry, but subbing Sunday night programing with football and crafts. This weekend I also went to the ballet with my mom and made time for some friends, something I haven't been the best at doing. I cherish the little time that I get to spend with them now, and need to be much more appreciative. Those friends put up with me being crazy and sometimes add to it, but that's what I love about them. 

This is my Olaf. Tina gave him to me because
I glued his eyes too far apart.

On my drive home last night I listened to "More like falling in love" by Jason Grey. I was reflecting about life, friendships, and the love that I have for my family and friends. Something has been missing for a couple weeks and I couldn't figure out what it was. I think the 3 consecutive nights of 3-4 hours of sleep, no mid-day naps, and an awfully and beautifully busy weekend opened my eyes and I realized I was starting to just go through the motions. So this weekend I re-fell in love with Jesus. I never thought that I had fallen out of love with Him, but somewhere along the lines, as I uncrossed a few wires a few more got crossed.

I'm not looking for love from my crazy friends anymore, because I know God loves me (and they love me too). I'm not looking for love from those unhealthy familial relationships because God loves me. I'm not looking for love in any kind of outlet because God's love is enough for me right now, always. God still loves me even on the days that I don't read a book, finish something on time, yell at my mom, or don't clean up a mess. God still loves me even on days when I'm so focused on myself I forget to love Him back. Everything will be okay, because God loves me. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the "thing" to obsess over fall and holidays. Fall is beautiful, but winter is better. Thanksgiving is great, and so is Christmas. But obsessing over it really doesn't do me a whole lot of good.

Let's get one thing straight before you read the rest:

• I am not complaining
• I love my family
• I love Thanksgiving and I love Christmas
• But even more than that I love Jesus

In 2006 I started a job where I worked holidays. All holidays. So in 2006 my family altered our Thanksgiving traditions and plans so I could work. Then in 2008 I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family and went to Orlando to be with my brother and his (then) girlfriend. I got to meet my youngest nephew who was two at the time. He just turned 8 yesterday. I also got to go to Disney World for the first time. It was an amazing experience. I was so thankful to have such a welcoming brother and such a wonderful mother, uncle and grandparents who let me leave them that year.

Seriously the most beautiful place

The thing I said I was thankful for was life. I brought that up after a day of being sick as a dog at Disney World, because the stomach flu has impeccable timing, and my brother and I got into our first legitimate fight. It is our second worst to date. Being thankful for life wasn't good enough because I was in the "happiest place on Earth". While he might resent me for airing that out again, it's true that since then Thanksgiving has had a nasty taste in my mouth.

In 2010 I snuck away and was able to go to Thanksgiving lunch with my mom, grandparents and uncle. Then spent the evening with my Dad's family that was in Colorado. That was when I learned what being "wine-drunk" meant. In 2012 (I am just now noticing this even-year pattern) I begged for the day off so I could be with my grandparents who's health was failing rapidly. We hung out in the rehab center but couldn't eat with him so we went home to my grandma who had pneumonia. I spent the evening with a friend and had a delicious dinner, played great games and had good community. His mom passed away weeks later so I felt so grateful that I was able to be a part of their Thanksgiving.

This year, I raved about not having to work on Thanksgiving, seriously not realizing that every other year I've had it off. But now that it's here, well let's just say the grass is always greener on the other side.

I have a very eclectic and unique family. I love it, and I love that I am a part of a community that accepts anyone and everyone no matter their background, but I feel like there is some weird pity that is aired around the holidays in Christian communities. I know so many people say they have dysfunctional families, but the cheek seems to be turned around the holidays.

Not thanksgiving, but our most recent family photo, circa 2008

It's not weird for me to be without my family on Thanksgiving, and honestly the 4 hours we will spend with each other tomorrow will be plenty. There is no reason to feel sorry for me for not going anywhere or for not being stoked for Thanksgiving. I sure don't.

If Thanksgiving was truly about expressing what I'm thankful for and being around family who care to be around each other, I would have no problem with it. If Christmas was truly about spreading the amazing news of the birth of Jesus and all He has done for us (and being around family who care to be around each other), I would have no problem with it. But the truth is, when you have a family of 4 who don't always get along, no extra relatives, and no small children running around holidays are just another day. They seem like the Valentine's days for families: You should be showing what you are thankful for and how much you love Jesus all year long but this is just an excuse to do so on a specific day, spend lots of money, and still wind up fighting.

Since I am supposed to be thankful tomorrow, here are a few things on that list:

• Life! (this year I don't think my brother would argue with being thankful for that)
• Jesus
• My awesome internship, wonderful house (even the washer that thinks it has wings) and the wonderful women who occupy it with me
• Those same women, Ally and the boys (aka all the other interns) who I share a sweat shop style office with and put up with me while I have the scramps, am hangry, am tired, or have had too much coffee
• The children and students who I get to point toward Jesus. The fantastic bosses I have to point me toward Jesus
• My mom who has been my biggest support, my biggest fan (yes that is a Backstreet Boys reference), and my 2 am phone call when things are rough
• ALL of the rest of my supporters who are praying for me, checking in on me, and who have financially supported me. I wouldn't be here without every.single.one.of.you.
• My Mimi and Granddad who helped raise me and made me the woman I am today. Holidays haven't started getting easier without Granddad, but one day I know they will

This was Thanksgiving 1994 I believe

Like I said, in no way am I complaining or hating on Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are just two sides to every story, and I wouldn't change mine for anything. Anyways, I'll be the one with the entertaining stories come January ;)

I am here. We are Here.

I don't think the creators of the I Heart Radio music festival thought they would get the response to "We are here" that they did. It became the official hashtag for our team retreat last week. We happened to watch Alicia Keys perform her "original" "song" for the festival. I don't know what "We are here" meant to the producers, but to us it meant that we are here. Right now. At this retreat. We are here.

It's hard to believe I have been an intern for a month. It feels like it's flown by, yet gone slow enough that I can fully enjoy the moments as they're happening.  I have bonded with this group of individuals in an incredible way. We have family dinners on Monday nights, which are extremely entertaining, but I wouldn't expect anything less. When you have 9 like-minded and weird people in one space things tend to get a little crazy. So we started a twitter. If you know what's good for you, go follow us at @fccinterns. 

The last month has been wonderful, and I have been able to see the power of truth, grace, and mercy in action on a daily basis. In that same respect, it's been difficult. I have had little time to myself, yet always feel alone. I love all of the amazing people I get to do life with now, but I find myself missing my old life and the people who have been my main support system for the last few years. I have realized that I have taken those relationships for granted for too long, and I didn't even realize that is what I was doing until I moved. I'm no longer compelled to be out every night, and I don't miss it. And while I miss that community, I also know that the friends who have stuck with me through this will be the ones who are in it for the long haul.

I have already learned how important having a personal ministry is to having a successful ministry as an intern. It is so easy to say "I prayed 8 times on Sunday, I don't need to spend any time God today". That may be easy to say at the time, but I have already experienced the exhausting repercussions of that statement. I had been warned to make sure that doesn't happen, and maybe it was human nature that I had to learn it the hard way but I did. I became overwhelmed and exhausted simply because of a compliment. I love what I do, but I began to question God's judgement of my character. I know I am not perfect and will always fall short of His glory, but it became to take over my thoughts.

God was able to pull me back to Him quicker than He has in the past, and for that I am very thankful. In my eyes I was still an outsider, and I still wondered "why me". I think I will always wonder that. Why did God decide that this is the path for me at this time? Why did he let me experience so much heartache, so much let down, and so much emotional and physical abandonment and then drop me here to be His messenger? I see how He can work through me, but I still don't get "why me".

Wednesday I returned home no longer an outsider. God was able to show me why I'm here. I saw how I got along with my fellow student ministry interns/roommates, teammates, and realized that God has called us all to minister to teenagers for a specific reason. I still don't know why me or what that reason is, but I have found comradery in the fact that I share so many similar attributes to these people. And that is the best "Why" I can have right now.

I still wonder "Why me" and "what if ______" (fill in the blank with any absurd, paranoid and codependent thought), but it doesn't define me right now. God has shown me that it is okay to miss my old life, as long as I reminisce on the good times and don't obsess over what isn't mine anymore. God has entrusted me with this life, and I don't want to waste it worrying and wishing things were different. Things are the way they are, and well....we are here.

Check it!

My first full week as an Intern at Flatirons has been crazy! There have been lots of people to meet, names to remember, and books to read this week, and that could very well be the biggest challenge I face. Reading three different books at a time could be very confusing, especially when you add these two gems that I have found on my desk into that mix.

 

Some of the highlights of my first week as an Intern:

• There is such a thing as too much coffee and sugar. I attended a surprise birthday party on day one that had cake, candy and pizza...all after 3 cups of coffee. Wednesday I drank water. 
• Work doesn't feel like work right now. Maybe one day it will, but right now, it doesn't. On our first day we stayed at our office way past when we really needed to be there.
• Experienced what goats do on a day to day basis.
• I painted a ceiling tile, a door frame, a floor, as well as did paint touch ups for the foyer of the basement for student ministries. 
• I got to serve in children's ministry for the first time where I met two super adorable little girls who I got to play with all morning. 
• I then got to help Ben and the rest of the West campus staff launch a youth program at West campus! What an amazing experience. Interacting with the staff, leaders and students for that was so crazy. 80ish middle schoolers and 57 high schoolers and I can't wait to see how God works in all of their hearts.
• Experienced a kids ministry teacher interview. 
• Named our house "the Babe Cave", started a group twitter (@fccinterns if you wish to follow our hilarity) and figured out why our doorbell doesn't work.

These are just a few of the many highlights of the week. Honestly I could write a few pages about each one and how they have impacted me.

Last week my small group discussed what it means to be a follower of Jesus. We talked about how that means giving up some things. For me, those things were certain friendships, smoking, relationships with men and the things associated with them. Sometimes being a follower of Jesus means doing the same things but in a different way. We discussed was drinking.  I had to reevaluate how I drink alcohol. I like beer, wine and tequila because I think they taste good. If I am going to spend $15 on beer I would rather by a 6 pack of craft beer than a 30 rack of keystone light to get me wasted. What do these things all have in common? They are all extremely uncomfortable. Being a follower of Jesus, an intern at Flatirons, a woman of faith in a modern world are all things that are out of my comfort zone and make me extremely uncomfortable.

When we become comfortable with someone, some thing, or at some place we get stuck in a routine that can be potentially dangerous. We are not challenging ourselves and we are not embracing the full life that Jesus intended for us to live. Jesus asked his 12 disciples to give up everything they owned, their families, friends and lives to follow Him. Coming into this internship I was unsure if this is exactly where I was meant to be right now. After the first week I am confident He has meant for me to give up my comfortable life to follow Him and to bring the light of Jesus into kids and teenagers at Flatirons.

Following Jesus is uncomfortable, and I've been so uncomfortable all week. I like to think I'm doing a great job at following Jesus, but I know I'm not perfect. I used to think there was this fine line to walk while trying to live life with grace for myself and others while still holding on to the truth. Ask anyone who is close to me (or asked me for advice after two glasses of wine) and they will tell you I am great at the truth part but suck at the grace part. Or I hit the nail on the head when it comes to grace, but I don't hold on to truth in a way that is beneficial for anyone. But Andy Stanley tells us in "Deep and Wide" (go ahead and make dirty comments, I bet you we have already thought it) that it's not a balance, it's 100% truth AND 100% grace. Talk about being uncomfortable.

God is so great, and uses some of the most unlikely people in the most unlikely ways. I am so humbled to be a part of this program and be able to do life with these awesome people that I share an office with, a home with, and a calling with. I am so grateful and so appreciative of all of my readers, friends, family, colleagues and supporters who have helped give me this opportunity to experience what ministry is life. I cannot wait to see how God transforms the hearts of the kids and students I will be with all year as well as the other interns and myself.

Every great story starts with....

"So I just got back from being lost in the woods"

OK so maybe not every great story starts that way, but that's sure how my Independence day weekend started. My friend Vashti and I went on what we thought was going to be a short, fun evening hike at Lair O' the Bear. Well...due to flooding, late snows, etc. the trail we were both used to was closed, and we set out on the Bear Creek Trail. Well needless to say it wasn't a "loop" trail. After a few miles, and the sun slowly setting we realized we may be lost. I think lost might be the wrong term, because we were still on the path. But had we kept going the way we were going, our hike might have turned into a camp. And the pup might have not been too happy with that. Luckily her husband came to our rescue and was hiking up the mountain as we were hiking down, since we had no flashlights and were running out of water.

This lovely set of bones was found during our hike. We saw it in the daylight and it wasn't this creepy. But with Joel's spotlight for us to walk in (or walk behind if you're graceful like me) it was UBER creepy. #forestofdeath

Sometimes I forget that verses from the Bible can be applicable in day to day situations. There are times where I'm really good at remembering to consciously pray, thank Him for His sacrifices, and am fully aware of why I believe in God. But I do have days where I forget. I lived so much of my life without God that when I'm in trouble it isn't the first direction I run. However, that night was one where He was with us the entire way and I was fully aware of the statement "Fear not, for I am with you"(Isaiah 41:10). I didn't panic, because God is greater than me. And God is greater than our sense of direction.

This year also marked my last 4th of July at Pinehurst, which was super exciting. Bittersweet is the word I have been using to describe most of this summer. I normally never volunteer for 12+ hour days, but that day is always my favorite. Getting paid to watch fireworks? Heck yes! Especially the best show in town. But I'm not biased at all. The beginning of my newest adventure is getting closer and closer, so my nerves are kicking in. But I keep reminding myself "Fear not, for I am with you". Even at my lowest points, I know God meets me and picks me up. He will never give up on me and will always be there for me.

I am spending this summer working hard, building new relationships with new friends and old acquaintances. I'm trying new things and having fun with some of the coolest people I've ever been surrounded by. Including my siblings. My little sister's best friend from Maui visited and I was able to take them to Glenwood and had a BLAST! My calling truly is students. And I'm support raising. Anyone who has talked to me in the last three months knows there is not a conversation without me bringing up support, funds, or fundraiser.

Yes, that watermelon was broken in half using someone's head.


That process sometimes seems like a burden, but overall it's been the biggest blessing I have encountered, and I wish I would have realized that earlier in the process. I am having so much fun talking to my friends, family and colleagues about how God is working my heart and at Flatirons, and how passionate I am about the next step I am taking in my life and in my faith. I have become better about praying for myself, praying earnestly, and trusting the Lord God with all my heart.

As most of the summer is passing by (way too quickly I might add), I am taking time off of work in a few weeks to visit my awesome and supportive cousins, aunts and uncles. My trip through Kansas is the best vacation I could ask for, because even though it's a long drive alone I always have a blast. I love seeing the little ones grow up and my cousins who, even though I didn't know them until a few years ago, we have so much in common. Oh, and baseball. Because Baseball. And softball.

I just read a quote on facebook that said "Being a Christian doesn't mean I won't fall...it means Jesus will catch me when I do" and that is the #truth He has caught me in so many ways, especially the more I learn to trust Him and follow His word.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful July so far and is enjoying their summer. I know I sure am :)

Identity Crisis

This is probably going to wind up being a rant about nothing, but I felt the need tonight to vocalize it to a large group of people. Call me lazy if you like, but telling individual groups of people the same thing multiple times makes me feel like a broken record which in turn makes me feel like even more of an old lady than my sleep schedule already does. And for the record, I'm being a rebel and am awake two hours past my self imposed bed time.

This is about the "Missy" v. "Melissa" debate.

Yes, I prefer Melissa over Missy. For a while I approached it with an I don't care attitude. I finally realized I needed to set boundaries with myself and make sure people call me "Melissa". I can think of about 20 people I'm okay with calling me "Missy", and believe me you know who you are. The members at Pinehurst don't fit into this category because old habits are hard to break.

Melissa Anne was my mom's best friend's name, whom I am named after. When I was an infant my Granddad started calling me Missy, and somehow it stuck. I liked it, everyone liked it, and with a last name like Cheatham when you're in first grade it's a lot easier to have a short and simple first name.

When Granddad passed away, I felt what I thought was clarity in my own Missy/Melissa debate. But now I'm having second thoughts. But I'm realizing that my reasoning for being Melissa instead of Missy is flawed. I shouldn't have decided I am a "Melissa" because Granddad died. I should have wanted to stay Missy because he died.

Don't worry, I'm not going to change my name again, but tonight I had a moment of clarity where I should allow people I love and trust to call me Missy because I loved and trusted Granddad with all of my heart and it was his nickname for me. And that's all it is. A nickname. Not my identity. My heart is still the same whether you call me Melissa, Missy or if you are one of the 6 people I allow to call me "Miss". If a nickname isn't atrocious enough, a nickname FOR a nick name is the worst. But don't ever address me as "Mel". I might throw a rock in your direction.

I'm starting to feel like I will never outgrow Granddad's nickname for me. But if we are going to get positive, at least it can be part of the legacy that he left behind in me.

Is it summer yet?

So I've lived in Colorado my entire life, and every year the weather still baffles me. We definitely have our monsoon season, and while I always expect it, I always forget how bad it can really get. Although I'm sure a lot of people will agree with me that these tornadoes have been exceptionally odd. Last time I checked Kansas was a part of tornado alley, not Colorado.

I feel like the last month has been difficult. Summer unofficially started at my work on Memorial Day. Normally the weekend building up to the first holiday of the season is extremely busy, but Mother Nature had other plans for that. Luckily Memorial Day was beautiful and we experienced sales on the level of the 4th of July. It was NUTS!! Memorial Day is a day the last couple years that has become difficult for me. I never appreciated the holiday until my Granddad passed away. Father's day is coming up this weekend, and that is another holiday that I never appreciated until the one I celebrated it with wasn't around. My mom and I visited Fort Logan that morning before I went to work and brought him flowers. We heard bagpipes playing, which we thought was beautiful. We weren't able to stay for the program they put on, but we will next year.

Since Memorial Day means summer, that means pools are OPEN! It's a wonderful thing. Especially when you work at one. During the summer I bar tend at a pool bar and serve food there at Pinehurst. Last year I was the supervisor, and oversaw the service being provided. This year, for multiple reasons, I am not. I didn't think it would a difficult transition, but it turned out to be a lot more different than I expected. That, sleep deprivation, and my selective hearing resulted in a confrontation at work I have never had, nor that I thought I would ever have. It's almost impressive that I have worked somewhere for 5 years without getting in trouble, but at the same time that's the point. But needless to say, this was an extremely grounding and humbling experience. Having not truly been reprimanded there before I was shocked, but I then realized that my attitude seriously needed to be put in check, and not just at work.

The bittersweet feelings toward my place of employment remain, even though the countdown is on. 80 more days until my last day at somewhere that has been my home away from home for the last 6 summers, and 5 years. I see a swan dive off the high dive in my future!

With things changing at work, I'm finding myself with less free time to pursue fundraising. Although now the pressure is on, and I have a deadline set to where I need to have half of my funds in by July 15th! That really hit me hard. While I still have been pursuing it, there is now a fire under my rear kicking me into gear to get to this goal. Half means $9,000. With what I already have and what I am expecting in the next week, I have over $2,000. So I still need approximately $7,000 more by July 15th.

My tupperware fundraiser is still going on through the weekend! So far so good :) I will post the link below again, as well as the link to the online Tupperware Party my mom and I are hosting, where I will get 25% of total sales donated towards my internship fund! I will post the link to that as well. The difference is the fundraiser has it's own catalog, and the Party is the FULL summer catalog. More items to chose from.

TUPPERWARE FUNDRAISER

TUPPERWARE PARTY

I will also be hosting a Damsel in Defense Personal Protection Party on June 23, 2014 at my friend Lisa's home. She is a consultant for Damsel and is offering to donate 10% of her commissions to my internship fund from my friend Gwen's party that was held last week, my party, AND any that are booked off of my party. It's really a lot of fun, that have different types of stun guns, pepper sprays, and personal protection items geared toward keeping women safe. 

Since I am pressing close to my fundraising deadlines I want to remind anyone who is willing to support me of the different ways, other than the Tupperware stuff. You can make a one time gift in ANY amount, or you can set up monthly donations in any amount for the 11 month duration of the internship. To put it in perspective, if you donate $10 a month, that's $110.
$10 is the same as a bar tab, less than a hookah at exhale, less than some people spend on Starbucks in a week, a Spotify membership, and a little more than a netflix membership!

So think about it, because remember, you're investing in my future! And maybe giving up one night at the bar a month will invest in your own future as well!! The link to donate online is below. 

Melissa's Internship Support Gifts

To those of you who are consistently praying for me and who have supported me (or plan to) financially, Thank you SO much. God is so good, and I am aware I cannot do this on my own. He has given me such a wonderful support system and so many fantastic people in my life to guide me where I need to be. Even on days when I feel torn down, stressed out and alone, I know He is with me and that I am not. I have started a group on Facebook for all of my Facebook friends to join and share in my little victories, pray for me publicly, and to keep track on my fundraising ideas a little easier. IF we are friends and you didn't get an invite, please don't be offended, I'll get there. I'm sure I forgot a few people.

Here's a throwback for ya....since I am "celebrating" my 6th summer at Pinehurst, here is a picture from my first.
#throwbackthursday

Tupperware Party!

Hi Friends!

First of all I would like to thank everyone with their continued support throughout my fundraising journey! It's been a month since I have updated my blog, and in that time I have received almost $2,000 toward my goal. It has been such a blessing to see such great support from all of my family and friends, especially all of the prayers from everyone. I have felt so lifted up by the Spirit with this journey. Even though I have some bad days where I totally feel down and overwhelmed, I know Jesus is right there with me for every step I take.

The last few weeks have been super awesome! We are planning a get together for all of the 2014-15 interns to get to know each other a little better before we start working together, and living together! I have also met our student pastor for the West Campus, Ben and he is already getting me plugged into the summer events to get to know the program, its values and everyone who makes it work!

A few weeks ago I was able to witness two of my friends handing their life over to Jesus and being baptized at Flatirons! I also had the honor of dunking Austin and being a part of his baptism. I love seeing Jesus in the people who are the closest to me and seeing how handing your life over to God and literally letting Jesus take the reins changes your heart.

The annual food drive was this weekend and I was able to volunteer my time to tape boxes, meet the volunteers as well as some middle school students and the high school students who are going on the trip to Jamaica next month! I am super pumped to be a part of this program and to see how God works with the students in the mountains and the western metro area of Denver. This has been my community my whole life and I know how many kids and students are in need of a good community and how imperative a working youth group is to developing a relationship with Jesus.

As I continue my fundraising journey, my friend Cindy has helped me set up a fundraiser through Tupperware. I will get at least 40% of the total sales from the fundraiser that will go toward my internship. Tupperware has a separate catalog for fundraising with a lot of their top selling items, and I will also have the full catalog available upon request. With that I will only get 25% of the profits but there are a lot more products to chose from. And ALL of Tupperware's products have a LIFETIME WARRANTY!!! Even though we are young, that is still something to think about! Spending good money on great products that will LAST is so much better than buying stuff at the dollar store that will last you like 6 months if you're lucky.

This party is online only and is set to close on June 15, 2014! So get on it!!! You can order through this link:
MY TUPPERWARE FUNDRAISER

I also will be having a BBQ in July to support my internship. My mom is donating burgers and hot dogs and there will be a pool, basketball court, and a lake across the street for fishing so it will be a good time!!! Date is TBA :)

Happy Monday everyone!! I hope you have a great week!!!!

Happy Monday!

I am pretty lucky that I work in an industry where Monday is my favorite day of the week! It is not my only day off, but it's the only day I get to sleep in, run errands on my own time, and be seated long enough to even consider writing an entry in my blog! Today I was able to get the oil changed in my car, go to the chiropractor, workout, and even cook  my cats food for the next couple weeks (don't ask, she's high maintenance). After all of that was done my mom and I went over to my grandparents' old house with the intentions of taking the leftover of our things to the storage unit. My mom left me alone in the basement for 5 minutes and I promptly began going through pictures and newspaper clippings. My Granddad had newspaper clippings from the Lakewood Sentinal saved from his old city council days back in the 70's. It was pretty exciting!

Needless to say we didn't get anything productive done at the house today. Although I found some very priceless photographs, and we did get other things done that needed to be taken care of, all of the boxes are still in the basement. We are scheduled to close on selling the house in the beginning of May, although we feel like it will be pushed back a bit. My mom and I have been extremely blessed to have a neighbor's daughter buy the house from us. It feels like it is staying in the "family", and this has been a lot less stressful than we had anticipated.

As my three-day weekend is coming to a close, I have started my follow-ups to my letters, and have even received my first support check (no follow up required!). Last week I was feeling very alone and overwhelmed with everything I have going on, but today I feel at peace. God has given me three wonderful siblings who are some of the most selfless people I know, and even given our age differences still are my best friends (even when we live on opposite sides of the country). They remind me on a daily basis how great God is. I can feel Him with me minute by minute reminding me that he brought me to this, so he will bring me through it! I can feel everyone's prayers, and I have felt surrounded by support and love all week.

Thank you to everyone who is reading and supporting me spiritually through this journey, and to those who are considering supporting me financially. I will be setting dates for my fundraisers at the beginning of May, and will keep them posted here! I have also posted my support letter in a previous entry that has all of the information for supporting me financially for those of you who have not received a letter yet!

Ready, Set, GO!

Well it's official! The first of my support letters have been sent out! And now I am about 5 months away from moving into the intern house at Flatirons to start the program. Even though I am not starting the internship until September, my journey has already begun. I am so excited to be able to include all of my friends and family in my journey!

I will be raising $18,000 by the start of the internship and I have a few different methods to do so. I am sending out letters via snail mail AND email first of all. The letters have a link to this blog, which I will use to keep everyone updated about my funds and different opportunities they have to support me in this process, as well as the program itself after it begins.

Right now I am in the process of planning a Tupperware party in the next few months, as well as a summer BBQ/pool party. My mom has been kind enough to donate food (like she did before my Afghanistan trip). Everyone is welcome, and the cost will be $10 a plate, BYOB!  This was my most successful and fun FUNdraiser I did for my mission trip and I am really excited to get everyone together to do it again. Dates are still TBA but I will invite everyone as soon as I get that figured out!