Every winter, usually somewhere between the end of January through March, this feeling of hopelessness, sadness, uselessness and worthlessness overcomes me. Every winter, I've found other activities to engage myself to either forget about those feelings or to make those feelings go away. But in all truthfulness I just numbed myself. I let myself sink into a depression, used the phrase "this is just how God made me" and abused drugs, alcohol and relationships in order to make myself feel like I had a purpose.
This year I don't have that luxury.
I have no desire to ever be wasted and have a hangover ever again. So that wasn't an option. I can't go smoke a bowl to make myself sleep when it is 3 AM and I need to be awake at 6, or when my anxiety has my heart pounding out of my chest. I can't go find someone to use for my benefit for a night, week or month (or realistically until they were done with me).
Why can't I do these things?
It's not because I am some crazy christian girl who works at a church. But I am, so that is part of the reason. But the biggest, overarching reason for why I can't do those things isn't because my boss says I can't, but because the Boss of my life has changed my heart and has made HIS love so desirable that all of those things are now undesirable. Like literally the thought of doing any of those things makes me want to vom all over the place because I can't believe that is something I am still capable of doing.
Jesus has literally taken my heart captive.
My honest opinion of this? Somedays it really, really sucks.
For the first time in my life I don't have the luxury to numb my feelings. I have to actually deal with those feelings. I have to deal with the fact that my dad and I don't get along. I have to face the reality that my mom is my biggest fan, supporter, and greatest woman I know (even though on a normal day I would never admit that). I have to deal with the fact that my brother is in jail; I don't get to pretend he doesn't exist and that he hasn't hurt me. I also have to realize that I have three nephews that I love dearly and just saying that doesn't cut it. I have to deal with the fact that I am single, and that I don't have my "cop outs" to snag a guy to make me feel better. I have to face the reality that I am still human, a sinner, and have feelings that I don't get to act on.
The last three weeks have been so exhausting. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's been more than three weeks, but time has gone by in such a blur I don't remember.
The biggest take away from March of 2015?
God humbles us through our weaknesses. God humbled me through my exhaustion.
God brought me to my knees, crying, telling Him how much I don't like His rules and how I think this whole God thing is stupid. In that moment I learned how much I really love this God thing. I can't tell you the moment I realized why things are the way they are, why certain things are appropriate but others are not, when I finally understood all of these things, or why I chose to live my life this way. I can't tell you because I don't know. He hasn't revealed that to me yet, but I'll ask Him when I meet Him.
What has God revealed to me?
He has revealed what friendship should look like. He has brought people into my life who can sit me down and point out my sin and my humanness is the most graceful way, but in a way that still allows my heart to be surrendered.
He has revealed why conflict is healthy, and how to have that healthy conflict. I still don't like confronting people, but I love that I get to do it in way that doesn't mean I have eyeballs to dodge in the hallway.
He has shown me that I am not Him. I know we hear that all the time, "Don't get from anyone or anything what you can only get from God", or "You can't be God for anyone, only God can be God", but it is really easy to disguise trying to be God for someone else or even for myself.
Our kids pastor tells me all of the time to "find what makes your heart beat faster", and I have been saying over and over how I love everything I get to do. For the first time I will tell you that is not true. I don't love ordering pizza, but I do it because I love Jesus (cheesey, I know. If you think that's bad keep reading).
I don't love not getting to "be myself", but I change who I am to line my life up with the Bible because I love Jesus and I believe that it is the authority of my life.
But what actually makes my heart beat faster?
My heart beats faster when 7th and 8th grade girls hug me and say thank you for a fun night of jumping, bowling, movie watching and fellowship. They're thanking me for the event, but in my eyes they're thanking Jesus for putting me there, this year, and exemplifying my gifts to plan these events(yep, the cheese continues). After leaving my last job I would have never guessed that I would thrive in planning events, but apparently God wanted to use me in this way for this.
I don't do what I do perfectly, and I don't think I'm even close. I am still a sinner. I am still human. BUT...because Christ died for me, because he is our kinsman redeemer, I get grace. I get the chance to open my eyes and my heart more to Him and His truth. I get the chance to screw it up, accept the consequences for my actions, and move on.
Because He loves me.
Jesus has literally taken my heart captive.
