As this internship closes...

It is absolutely unreal that this internship is almost over! It's been a year and a half since I started this journey and I can't believe where it has taken me. It's hard for me to see and admit how I have changed over the course of that time, but I can tell you this has been a season of redemption and re-aligning my life with Christ. I am unrecognizable as a person compared to who I was a year ago.

I gave my life to Christ a few years ago. I still remember the moment I had my arms in the air surrendering everything to Him in worship the night before my Granddad passed away. I had no idea that that night at Shift would be that night. I had no idea what I was doing in that moment would change the direction of my life. Almost two years later I found myself working as an intern at Flatirons contemplating if I had actually given my life to Christ. Almost 11 months after starting the internship program I have realized not only have I surrendered everything to His power but I have a whole new life in Christ – I am a new creation.

The biggest change I've seen in myself has been in my attitude. I've learned when I need to ask for help and that asking doesn't mean that I have failed at anything. Admitting I don't know something and that I need help figuring it out makes me a better leader. I've learned to be okay with doing something I'm not good at and learning how to do it better. I've learned how to lean on God for everything in my life and not just the good or easy things. It's never been easy for me to trust God with my relationships, my employment, or my money, but I feel like I did a decent job of trying to figure out what that looks like this year. I'm somehow more equipped to recognize how God is working in my life and what is actually the enemy disguising himself in God's light.

My attitude toward the church has changed as well in the best way possible. The theme of 2015 for me has been Can over Can't. I can do all things because of Him, not "I can't be with you, do that, wear this, or see that because of some reason I'm not entirely sure of." I may not always be the happiest, nicest, most put together, or politically correct person in this building but I know I have changed and can stand firm knowing my value. I don't hang out with certain people because I want something better, not because some church said I can't do something. #sorrynotsorry to those who aren't in my life because of that. 

In this internship I have learned what it really means to do "ministry”. 

Pre-internship: I thought being in ministry/being a minster meant standing on an oversized stage telling people how to live their lives. 

As the internship closes, I realize that ministry isn't a job it's a way of life. If it becomes a job, then I need to rethink how I'm "doing ministry". It's, well, a ministry. There are times where it feels like even on my days off I’m not “off”.  I’m still fielding questions, texts and phone calls, and attempting to not check my email. Rest has always been something that has been difficult for me, but this season has taught me how necessary it is and I’m learning to do it. Sometimes better than others!

I also see my ministry as a family. As most of you know, my family is far from normal. Of course, I have dealt with some of the most difficult and crazy situations with them since starting my internship. Lara told me even though I might feel like I don't know why all of this is happening to me now, God has had me right where he wanted me all along. People here have asked me tough questions, told me the truth even when it hurts, and were gracious enough to care about me while I'm hurting. I don't know how I could have dealt with some of these situations without the support and love of my friends and family in this building. 

Ministry with students doesn't just happen on Sunday mornings and Sunday nights. It's text messages on Christmas Eve from a student whose great grandma is sick and knows I would understand because my grandma is sick too. It's being vulnerable and sharing my story with high schoolers in hopes that they accept me, open up to me and invite me into their story. It's being outside myself during a traumatic time in my life to be there for students who are experiencing trauma so large it makes you feel so, so small. It's sharing super embarrassing pictures and stories of myself from high school to make your students feel less awkward. It's being so tired that you are delirious and slap happy for days after you're home from camp because you stayed up too late eating ice cream, woke up too early, and played way too much ultimate frisbee. 

Caring for my leaders is just as equally important as caring for the students. Stepping into this internship I knew that if I was going to live out of this new life that Christ had given me I was going to need new friends. My old life was so toxic and scary that I knew that most of the people in my life were going to get the boot. Whether I kicked them out or they stepped out, and whether it was intentional or not, that definitely happened. Not only did I know that part of my ministry was going to be building community with the west campus leaders, I knew I needed new friends and new people to do life with. In the beginning my motivation was super selfish but it took on a whole new life of it's own the more comfortable I got with what I was doing.

Leader care isn't just driving, coffee and lunch dates. It's being with like-minded adults when they are sick, hurting and confused and helping them serve our students better. It's writing a billion and one cards for all occasions not because I have to but because I truly want to. It's finding a common ground and continuing that new life in Christ with wonderful people who (in my case) also happen to love shooting guns. It's waking up way too early to run multiple half marathons because we are too wimpy to run a full. Leader care gives a new meaning to being "on call". 

The Best and Worst Parts

As the first (and only) West Campus intern I got to be the guinea pig for a lot of things and I loved it. I also got to be a part of a lot of really cool things at West. Helping Ben launch student ministry was probably one of the biggest and greatest things I have ever gotten to witness. It has been such a fun and humbling experience to see this ministry grow because the leaders are becoming friends and students are getting close to each other. 

Another one of the best parts of the internship is being part of a team. My previous work environment was not healthy and teamwork didn't exist. It was everyone against everyone else, seeing coworkers work together and support each other was something I hadn't seen before. Since my time was split between kids and student ministry and I was at West Campus, I had three teams on my side that became my new family here at Flatirons. There were a lot of moments where I felt super connected with one team, but left out from another. While navigating that was not easy most of the time, I felt that it gave me a different advantage during the internship. I was able to see how all of the ministries at West Campus ran and how they all worked together. I learned a lot.

I was a part of the West Campus team for our first Christmas, the one year anniversary celebration, as well as #flatironsunplugged when we experienced the power outage. That morning was by far one of the coolest moments I have ever experienced at church. Not just seeing how all of the staff and volunteers worked together to put that service together, but also how much of a turning point it was for the community of our campus. 

I know this year wasn't perfect, but I am having a really hard time thinking of what the worst parts of this internship were. The parts that I think of when I think of what was "bad" about this internship were waking up early, sitting at a desk in front of a computer all day and being in charge of what I was supposed to wear to work every day. Those things all sound really, really stupid but since I have worked in restaurants for so long they were legitimate concerns coming into this internship. I still struggle waking up early sometimes, but 9 am doesn't scare me as much as it used to! I love that for the first time in my life I lived in a real house, however the intern house is definitely one place where "Excellent Environments" do not exist. As thankful as I am to have lived there I am happy to be moving on, and I know I never want to live with 4 other women ever again. 

One of the best and the worst moments I had was when I realized how much of a terrible leader I used to be. It sucked, but it definitely made me a lot more conscious of my actions and words as a leader moving forward and improved my relationships with those I was leading. Another one of those best/worst moments was realizing that this new life I had in Christ wasn't going to look the same as my old life. Shocker, right? I could no longer be two different people. I was not able to hide things like I used to. I wasn't a Christian by day and conformer-to-society by night. I was a Christian, a youth worker, an intern, and a ministry worker 24/7. One of the best things and also worst things that came out of that was the “friend cleanse” I mentioned before.

I have learned that there is a life outside of waiting tables and being "the beer bitch", and the new life is oh SO good. I have also learned that even though I don't want to do it again, it is possible to live with 4 other women and share an office with them. Most importantly, the best thing I can continue to do is to love God, love people, and lead well. I've learned how to love different people in different ways, and also that love doesn't always look like what I think it should look like. I've learned how to pray for those in need and ask for prayer for myself and for my family. I've learned not only how to lead people, but lead people well. I know God has had his hands on every interaction I have had in the last 11 months and will continue to be a part of my life after the internship.

I know I have a new life. My life didn't just change direction, it became new in HIM. I have no fear that I will go back to all of my old destructive friends and habits because I have a new and improved support system that won't let me cross that path. I am so confident in His love for me that I know no matter where I wind up I will be the best me that I can be, because God created me. 

I am so incredibly thankful that I have gotten to be a part of the Flatirons family as an intern, and even more thankful for those here that helped me get to where I am now. While it is bittersweet for this internship to be ending, I am so excited for my new role and what the future holds. In Philippians 1:6 Paul says:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

I feel like I rarely complete things or finish them well, but I thank God every day that I am able to do both of these things with my internship and be able to move forward doing something I love. I know how good God is and couldn't imagine my life without His goodness and the hearts of everyone here who has helped me see it and live it out!

"In the absence of love and belonging there will always be suffering"

The last couple weeks have been....interesting. It never ceases to amaze me how the enemy sneaks into my head to try to ruin everything I have going for me. Every time I tell myself how good I am with God and how much I love myself, one of my insecurities rears its ugly head and I turn into someone I don't want to be. Last week in a very angry and emotional state, I wrote a lot of things I don't know if I will ever publish, but tonight I'm going to be vulnerable and share some things I am working through.

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do" Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

The truth is, those insecurities have been present this whole time. I am a victim of abuse, and those insecurities are caused by that abuse. Do you want to know what I think about that? I think that's totally not fair. It's not fair that anyone gets to feel that pain. It's not fair that people get to treat others poorly. 

I know nothing is fair in the world. Bad things happen to undeserving people all of the time. There are even a ton of accounts of unfairness in the Bible. The Beatitudes in the Sermon on the Mount may even seem unfair. How are those who mourn "blessed"? Why do the poor in spirit get the kingdom of Heaven? 

The book of Ecclesiastes talks about how unfair things are too. 

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 2:17

What stuck out to me this week is this: 

Fools are put in many high positions while the rich occupy the low ones. I have seen slaves on horseback while prices go on foot like slaves.
Ecclesiastes. 10:6-7

In the past I've worked in environments where those who should have been pushed ahead were left behind, and those who have not deserved special treatments were favored over others. I've sat on both sides of this equation before, and when I read that I thought of some people who I know are feeling that kind of unfairness right now. 

But mostly I think it's totally unfair how the high position of being a parent can be occupied by someone who is such a fool. It's unfair how I can continue to love someone who has hurt me over and over again. And it's even more unfair that there is something in my brain that tells me I am the one in the wrong and that I should just roll over and go back. Even though I love them and try to show them grace, I feel like I am walking the fine line of showing grace and being trapped in a cycle of abuse. 

Right now I'm working through how to forgive that person and how to love them well. Even though I am a victim of abuse, I am ready to let go of all of this hurt and stop living as a victim. I am loved, and I am enough. 

But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 

1 Thessalonians 5: 8-11

I have a Heavenly Father who I am enough for and who loves me just as I am. Even though I know that, my hope is that one day I will actually be able to believe it. Until then, I will love God and praise Him for giving me this life that I have, giving me the ability to recognize I need to help myself, and use the tools I have to do so.

What do you do when Netflix isn't working?

Write a blog I guess. That's seriously what I need to get me writing. I've sat down with this silly window open more times than I can count with the intention of gracefully articulating my life, but for some reason nothing comes out. However over the last few months I've had some wonderful experiences and opportunities that I want to share! Even though I'm sure all of you who actually read this have heard these stories multiple times already.

There are few times where I'm crying more often than not, but the end of March proved to be one of those times. I had felt unneeded, unworthy and very lost for so long. But out of that I saw so much of His love, and I got something so spectacular and so beautiful in return: To spend an entire day with my nephews in Florida. Oh I love those little boys so much. They're just not so little anymore. They are so full of personality and spunk and are really growing up. When I think about  my siblings getting older I always feel old, but knowing that my oldest Nephew is going into middle school and is almost taller than me kills me. It makes me feel like I need to eat early bird dinners, take up knitting and go to bed at 7 pm. Oh wait....just kidding I got to bed at 9.

I was able to see these boys grow, ask me questions about me, our family and most importantly JESUS. How AWESOME is that??? HIS love is so in their hearts, and it makes my heart so insanely happy to know that they know, at such a young age, how much He loves them.

In April my family experienced a tragedy that I have been all too familiar with over the last few years: one of my grandparents died. Being Memorial Day weekend, it's a little emotional to think about Granddad and Grandpa Kenny being gone. But my dad's dad Lentz passed away in April, and even though I had only met him a handful of times, I still joined my family to remember him.

His passing brought something so great and so sweet to our family, something that I hope everyone saw at his memorial: he brought us all together. He brought us all into this world, and him leaving to be with Jesus brought us all together for the first time in almost 16 years.

I'm very thankful that this happened in this season of my life. I work in a place where I can call and tell them something just happened and I'm allowed to take care of it and be with my family. I have friends, roommates, teammates who prayed for me and with me through that time. I truly believe I couldn't have been present with my family the way I was without their support.

Back in September my step mom, her family and I made a decision that I would be a "parent" chaperone for my brother and sister's school trip to Yellowstone National Park and The Grand Tetons. It felt like it would never come, but alas I went on that trip a couple of weeks ago! I had so much fun. It was challenging, but it was fun.

The win of the trip was watching my little brother hike up at the front of the group with the guide and then tell his whole class that he really enjoyed hiking, and that he liked that they let him go at his own pace instead of forcing him to do something more than he wanted to do. I wasn't as able to spend as much quality time with my sister because...well boys are more important that sisters sometimes. My biggest takeaway from that trip was 1) learning the extent to which middle schoolers are like hummingbirds, 2) realizing middle school is so awkward, but these kids are awesome and have awesome teachers to see them through it, and 3) they say some of the weirdest things I've heard in my life. I was constantly entertained. It was really cool to see LT and Tana be with their friends, and for me to be around their friends too. My siblings are really cool little people, and I'm so grateful to be their sister.

LT will be in high school, and Tana is growing up way too fast. We are entering into a new season of our sibling-ship...and it's really easy for me to be negative about it. I want to get so mad about how late he sleeps and how her attitude is through the roof, but I can't. I was like that once. I can still be like that now. I can't continue to project my anger on myself out on them. Now, Jesus has given me words to have tough conversations with them in a loving way, and given me the ability to be stern with them without losing the trust and respect that we have for each other. I am no longer carrying the burden of my past, I am no longer gripping that anger, and I no longer feel the need to displace it on them. I can love them, even through their teenager years.

I'm entering into one of the last phases of this internship. I've found a new home in August and will soon begin the job hunt. The first official school year of student ministry at west campus has wrapped up, and I am in shock and awe that God chose me to help this team launch that ministry. Me. I had no experience. Regularly I tell myself I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll talk myself down, and immediately shoot back up. Never-ending.  I'm less than a year out of a horrendous lifestyle. But even though I felt unexperienced, God gave me the ability to take myself out of the equation, lead our leaders well, and pour into the students.

I was given the opportunity to use my gifts and I excelled. I found excitement in things I have never liked before, and found that I have strengths and gifts in areas that I would have never imagined. I have seen how God takes everything from the good, the bad, and most especially the ugly pieces of our lives and works them for HIS Glory!

Learning to be vulnerable and uncomfortable is my new "comfort zone" and I will continue to look for ways to step outside of that box and let God do His thing. He has truly changed my heart. It's no longer about the long list of "can't", "don't", and "won't"s...but all of the things I "can", "do", and "will".

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
-Philippians 4:13

I see this every day because I made it a permanent part of my body, but I still forget what it means often. I have it because I'm physically strong, but also because Christ gives me life!! I CAN do all things, not "I can't because ________". I'm tired of thinking that way. I tend to run and hide when it comes to all things vulnerable, emotional, or difficult. While confrontation still isn't my strong suit, Christ's strength is giving me strength to move forward, make better choices, and see what He does in my life, and not just what doesn't happen.

My heartbeat

Ah spring time. This is the time of year that I start longing for starting February first. I don't know what it is about February that makes me want to skip ahead to a season that isn't really all it's cracked up to be. Because seriously? We live in Colorado and it will snow for as many months and feet as it desires no matter what day of the year it is. But this year it was especially longed for.

Every winter, usually somewhere between the end of January through March, this feeling of hopelessness, sadness, uselessness and worthlessness overcomes me. Every winter, I've found other activities to engage myself to either forget about those feelings or to make those feelings go away. But in all truthfulness I just numbed myself. I let myself sink into a depression, used the phrase "this is just how God made me" and abused drugs, alcohol and relationships in order to make myself feel like I had a purpose. 

This year I don't have that luxury. 

I have no desire to ever be wasted and have a hangover ever again. So that wasn't an option. I can't go smoke a bowl to make myself sleep when it is 3 AM and I need to be awake at 6, or when my anxiety has my heart pounding out of my chest. I can't go find someone to use for my benefit for a night, week or month (or realistically until they were done with me). 

Why can't I do these things? 

It's not because I am some crazy christian girl who works at a church. But I am, so that is part of the reason. But the biggest, overarching reason for why I can't do those things isn't because my boss says I can't, but because the Boss of my life has changed my heart and has made HIS love so desirable that all of those things are now undesirable. Like literally the thought of doing any of those things makes me want to vom all over the place because I can't believe that is something I am still capable of doing. 

Jesus has literally taken my heart captive. 

My honest opinion of this? Somedays it really, really sucks. 

For the first time in my life I don't have the luxury to numb my feelings. I have to actually deal with those feelings. I have to deal with the fact that my dad and I don't get along. I have to face the reality that my mom is my biggest fan, supporter, and greatest woman I know (even though on a normal day I would never admit that). I have to deal with the fact that my brother is in jail; I don't get to pretend he doesn't exist and that he hasn't hurt me. I also have to realize that I have three nephews that I love dearly and just saying that doesn't cut it. I have to deal with the fact that I am single, and that I don't have my "cop outs" to snag a guy to make me feel better. I have to face the reality that I am still human, a sinner, and have feelings that I don't get to act on. 

The last three weeks have been so exhausting. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's been more than three weeks, but time has gone by in such a blur I don't remember. 

The biggest take away from March of 2015? 

God humbles us through our weaknesses. God humbled me through my exhaustion. 

God brought me to my knees, crying, telling Him how much I don't like His rules and how I think this whole God thing is stupid. In that moment I learned how much I really love this God thing. I can't tell you the moment I realized why things are the way they are, why certain things are appropriate but others are not, when I finally understood all of these things, or why I chose to live my life this way. I can't tell you because I don't know. He hasn't revealed that to me yet, but I'll ask Him when I meet Him. 

What has God revealed to me? 

He has revealed what friendship should look like. He has brought people into my life who can sit me down and point out my sin and my humanness is the most graceful way, but in a way that still allows my heart to be surrendered. 

He has revealed why conflict is healthy, and how to have that healthy conflict. I still don't like confronting people, but I love that I get to do it in way that doesn't mean I have eyeballs to dodge in the hallway. 

He has shown me that I am not Him. I know we hear that all the time, "Don't get from anyone or anything what you can only get from God", or "You can't be God for anyone, only God can be God", but it is really easy to disguise trying to be God for someone else or even for myself. 

Our kids pastor tells me all of the time to "find what makes your heart beat faster", and I have been saying over and over how I love everything I get to do. For the first time I will tell you that is not true. I don't love ordering pizza, but I do it because I love Jesus (cheesey, I know. If you think that's bad keep reading).

I don't love not getting to "be myself", but I change who I am to line my life up with the Bible because I love Jesus and I believe that it is the authority of my life. 

But what actually makes my heart beat faster? 

My heart beats faster when 7th and 8th grade girls hug me and say thank you for a fun night of jumping, bowling, movie watching and fellowship. They're thanking me for the event, but in my eyes they're thanking Jesus for putting me there, this year, and exemplifying my gifts to plan these events(yep, the cheese continues). After leaving my last job I would have never guessed that I would thrive in planning events, but apparently God wanted to use me in this way for this. 

I don't do what I do perfectly, and I don't think I'm even close. I am still a sinner. I am still human. BUT...because Christ died for me, because he is our kinsman redeemer, I get grace. I get the chance to open my eyes and my heart more to Him and His truth. I get the chance to screw it up, accept the consequences for my actions, and move on. 

Because He loves me. 

Jesus has literally taken my heart captive. 

The 4 musketeers AKA the three best friends that anyone could ever have

Bonus points if you sang the last half of that title like in the Hangover.

So lately I've considered myself an avid blogger. And not a real blogger (because you know how often I post). But a blog reader. Then one time I read a blog that made me mad. The blog was about when to let go of a friendship. I read it and I started to think about my three best friends, which is exactly why it made me mad. Stephanie, Brittany and Katie are the definition of friends who "distance only makes the heart grow fonder" or "Best friends are people you don't need to talk to or see every day-you don't need to talk to each other for weeks but when you do it's like you never stopped talking".

All of those mushy, gushy, sappy, lovey-dovey, make you wanna vomit quotes about friendship totally apply to the four of us. So do all of the ones that go like "You break her heart I'll break your face" or (said by yours truly on Friday) "I'm glad you're okay because if you weren't I would let you get better and then I would hurt you".

Back to that blog. It made me mad because the three of them have been by my side since we are at least 3 years old. Our lives are just different now. I started to think that maybe we were just supposed to be friends for that season of our lives. And yes, a season can last 23 years. I wasn't feeling secure in our friendship because I just wasn't right in the head, or something.

Stephanie is married, working full time and lives in another state. We are watching the TV show "Friends" from pilot to finale together. And don't forget she lives in Missouri. Stephanie and I once got into a fight over a toothbrush. Her mom called my mom and it was an ordeal. She also made me cry via text message on Tuesday, yeah beyotch you made me cry when you texted me that. I visited her in Hell Paso, surprised her when she came home from her tour in Iraq, and she came to visit me in Gunnison. A note to my future husband: Surprising Steph in Texas was the best moment of my life and has yet to be topped, and I'm not entirely sure my wedding day will top that moment.

Brittany and I hated each other until third grade. I was mad and jealous that she was stealing my best friend. She was a black belt too, and we competed against each other and I brought her to a board breaking seminar. She tried to break two at one time and was disappointed that the boards didn't break. HAHAHA it was an optical illusion because the second one broke, not the first one!!! For years we lived like 2 miles away from each other and only saw each other on major holidays. She had stitches in her face on my 10th birthday and I had stitches in my foot on her 10th birthday. Brittany won't be wearing a dress in my wedding.

And then there's Katie. I also hated Katie in kindergarten. Me and the guy she "dated" until 6th grade didn't like her. And then in second grade we became BFF and have been inseparable since. Everything she did, I had to do. I was in constant competition with her and wanted to be just like her. Katie and I recently discussed all of the times we have hurt each other since forever. I gave her a black eye with a cell phone on a trampoline, she dumped me out of a wagon going at least 15 miles an hour in front of an entire neighborhood. I punched her a lot, she barfed all over the toilet (but proceeded to not judge me for being a sissy about getting three stitches).

And I think we all fell out of the tree in Brittany's grandparents yard at some point.

Basically, if you don't know these girls you should, and if you're not friends with them then there is something wrong with you and you should change that.

I was insecure in our friendship as 25-26  year olds because I was insecure in myself. I felt like because my life is different than it was that I wasn't worthy of still being their friend. But I am. We love each other and will always love each other. The best thing about these three girls is that our dinner table is a judgement free zone always. I can be a jerk, but they love me. Katie brings me back down and calls me on my shit. Brittany supports me. Stephanie listens and understands and sends me really cool gifts just because. And I have three birthday cards sitting here waiting for her....(I'm terrible).

I feel like a terrible, no good, rotten friend a lot of the time, which makes me feel not worthy. But I am. My worth comes from God. God gave me these three sisters to be by my side through all of the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, difficult, easy, and all of the crap that life throws our way. I know I am where I am because God is in control, but part of me really doesn't know where I would be without these girls in my life.

The enemy has been very strategically placing temptations and obstacles in my way for the last 7 days. Thoughts of unworthiness kept popping into my head and Friday I couldn't help but thinking that I wasn't cut out for this, whatever "this" is, and that it was time for me to pack up and go back. which is exactly what he wanted me to think. Let me tell you, that is so far from the truth. Katie, Brittany and I may not be able to sit down and have a theological discussion, but there is something to be said about sharing a serious discussion, coupled with my inability to be serious about anything and cracking jokes about everything, then belly laughing about our pasts, presents, and futures together, that ultimately makes the heart so much warmer and more receptive to God's positive messages and gives me the power to tell that enemy to eff off.

High School graduation 2007

Reunited and it feeeeeels so good! 2014

Today the gang pointed out to me that these pictures are almost exactly the same. Reverse the order and reverse the colors. IE...Katie and I are wearing colors while Steph and Britt are in black. And we are in the same order just flopped. Creepy....

Falling in Love with Jesus

Almost four months ago I stepped into this internship knowing I was going to work my butt off, never sleep, and was hoping to always be happy. I'm pretty sure over the course of this internship all of those things have been proven wrong except for the first one.

My first week I told my leads how easy it is for me to take on too much and that I need to be intentional about the projects I take and put limits on myself for what I'm responsible for. I felt like I was setting myself up for success with boundaries in place before I was overwhelmed. Boundaries have always been something I struggle with so I came into this season of my life hoping that would change. In retrospect, that was a very silly expectation. 

Babe cave Christmas tree

I need to tell you those things because I want to talk about the good and the bad of this internship experience. It's difficult to contain it to an email to my supporters, to a status update on Facebook, or a tweet (we all know how long winded I am, 160 characters will hardly ever suffice). Even writing a blog about it is difficult because it's the little things that you won't understand unless you were there that make this internship worth the sleepless nights, long drives and the feeling of constantly working. Luckily, when you do something you're passionate about work doesn't really feel like work. The hardest part of "working" for me is learning how to use my computer.

West Campus Kids Min ladies and Alison

It's hard to imagine that I can say that we just completed the very first semester of student ministry at the west campus. It has been such an amazing experience to see this ministry grow and change in the few months I have been around. I have loved seeing our students form friendships with other students and leaders and to see the wheels turning in their brain when they think about Jesus. I have learned so much from them! I am torn between having feelings of thankfulness that my Sundays have gone from 14 hours to 6 hours but also being disappointed that I will only get to see the students at church on Sunday mornings. Luckily next semester will start in 3 weeks and we will all come back rested with a fire ready to go until summer. 

Controlled Chaos leaders at the Christmas party!

A few of the highlights from the last four months include: having difficult conversations with students, meeting parents, playing octoball until my ribs are no longer in place (true story), bonding with the other interns during our Monday night dinners and feeling even more togetherness during our Tuesday morning staff meeting. I have gotten to see parts of children's ministry, student ministry, Merge, and our women's community teams and their programs that I would have never gotten to see.

West Campus ladies with Amanda at Breakfast Club!

• I organized volunteers for "My One Wedding" and got to watch 8 couples take their lives together a step further by living together in a marriage in the way that God wanted it to be. 
• I taught a lesson in preschool ministry for the first time
• I played with 7 rambunctious kids way past my personal bedtime so the members of our worship team could enjoy an evening to celebrate a successful year before the craziness of the Christmas season kicked in
• I have met some awesome people who I share so many hobbies, interests, life experiences, and struggles with
• I got put in charge of social media outlets. Go figure I'm FINALLY being paid to be on Facebook! haha 
• Twitter: FCCInterns
• FSM West Facebook
• My Personal Facebook Group
• I've learned a lot about myself, my heart, and my intentions with people
• I've praised God, prayed to God, cried to God, questioned Him and yelled at Him
• I even attended my very first church lock-in (yes at 25 years old), and can now say I've slept at my place of employment. Although I think I took more of a nap

I have also struggled a lot, but learned that it is okay. And I've prayed a lot. Like a lot. For different things and people, but I'm never really clear. And then I thank God that He knows my heart and that He hears my prayers when even I don't know what I'm praying about. 

More than work, I struggle having boundaries with my family. I know I have some unhealthy relationships. I've worked for years to set boundaries, and I always wind up guilting myself into going back into bad habits. I've been doing pretty well with sticking to my guns, but it's not easy. I have cried and prayed about these relationships so much over the last 12 months, and that has sincerely increased since September. Boundaries means protecting myself, not doing too much, and being a safe person. 

putting my feet up after a long weekend to
watch the game in the empty auditorium 

I may have told my leads how easy it is for me to take on too much, but I should have taken my own warning. I always do what needs to get done, and I am fine. I was worried about working too much, even as an intern. And while some weeks will be much busier than others, I know it is only temporary. Emotionally, I try to bear too many burdens. My heart takes too much responsibility for those closest to me, including my family and friends. Sometimes saying "no" is the best way to show real love, but it also can be the most devastating. I have come to a fork in the road where I will be saying no a lot. I won't be allowing myself to stress over and worry about the things God has under control.

This weekend was a particularly crazy one. From Merge lock-ins, women's breakfasts, leader lunches and obnoxiously bad timed disappointment. To my normal Sunday routine of kids ministry, but subbing Sunday night programing with football and crafts. This weekend I also went to the ballet with my mom and made time for some friends, something I haven't been the best at doing. I cherish the little time that I get to spend with them now, and need to be much more appreciative. Those friends put up with me being crazy and sometimes add to it, but that's what I love about them. 

This is my Olaf. Tina gave him to me because
I glued his eyes too far apart.

On my drive home last night I listened to "More like falling in love" by Jason Grey. I was reflecting about life, friendships, and the love that I have for my family and friends. Something has been missing for a couple weeks and I couldn't figure out what it was. I think the 3 consecutive nights of 3-4 hours of sleep, no mid-day naps, and an awfully and beautifully busy weekend opened my eyes and I realized I was starting to just go through the motions. So this weekend I re-fell in love with Jesus. I never thought that I had fallen out of love with Him, but somewhere along the lines, as I uncrossed a few wires a few more got crossed.

I'm not looking for love from my crazy friends anymore, because I know God loves me (and they love me too). I'm not looking for love from those unhealthy familial relationships because God loves me. I'm not looking for love in any kind of outlet because God's love is enough for me right now, always. God still loves me even on the days that I don't read a book, finish something on time, yell at my mom, or don't clean up a mess. God still loves me even on days when I'm so focused on myself I forget to love Him back. Everything will be okay, because God loves me. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the "thing" to obsess over fall and holidays. Fall is beautiful, but winter is better. Thanksgiving is great, and so is Christmas. But obsessing over it really doesn't do me a whole lot of good.

Let's get one thing straight before you read the rest:

• I am not complaining
• I love my family
• I love Thanksgiving and I love Christmas
• But even more than that I love Jesus

In 2006 I started a job where I worked holidays. All holidays. So in 2006 my family altered our Thanksgiving traditions and plans so I could work. Then in 2008 I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my family and went to Orlando to be with my brother and his (then) girlfriend. I got to meet my youngest nephew who was two at the time. He just turned 8 yesterday. I also got to go to Disney World for the first time. It was an amazing experience. I was so thankful to have such a welcoming brother and such a wonderful mother, uncle and grandparents who let me leave them that year.

Seriously the most beautiful place

The thing I said I was thankful for was life. I brought that up after a day of being sick as a dog at Disney World, because the stomach flu has impeccable timing, and my brother and I got into our first legitimate fight. It is our second worst to date. Being thankful for life wasn't good enough because I was in the "happiest place on Earth". While he might resent me for airing that out again, it's true that since then Thanksgiving has had a nasty taste in my mouth.

In 2010 I snuck away and was able to go to Thanksgiving lunch with my mom, grandparents and uncle. Then spent the evening with my Dad's family that was in Colorado. That was when I learned what being "wine-drunk" meant. In 2012 (I am just now noticing this even-year pattern) I begged for the day off so I could be with my grandparents who's health was failing rapidly. We hung out in the rehab center but couldn't eat with him so we went home to my grandma who had pneumonia. I spent the evening with a friend and had a delicious dinner, played great games and had good community. His mom passed away weeks later so I felt so grateful that I was able to be a part of their Thanksgiving.

This year, I raved about not having to work on Thanksgiving, seriously not realizing that every other year I've had it off. But now that it's here, well let's just say the grass is always greener on the other side.

I have a very eclectic and unique family. I love it, and I love that I am a part of a community that accepts anyone and everyone no matter their background, but I feel like there is some weird pity that is aired around the holidays in Christian communities. I know so many people say they have dysfunctional families, but the cheek seems to be turned around the holidays.

Not thanksgiving, but our most recent family photo, circa 2008

It's not weird for me to be without my family on Thanksgiving, and honestly the 4 hours we will spend with each other tomorrow will be plenty. There is no reason to feel sorry for me for not going anywhere or for not being stoked for Thanksgiving. I sure don't.

If Thanksgiving was truly about expressing what I'm thankful for and being around family who care to be around each other, I would have no problem with it. If Christmas was truly about spreading the amazing news of the birth of Jesus and all He has done for us (and being around family who care to be around each other), I would have no problem with it. But the truth is, when you have a family of 4 who don't always get along, no extra relatives, and no small children running around holidays are just another day. They seem like the Valentine's days for families: You should be showing what you are thankful for and how much you love Jesus all year long but this is just an excuse to do so on a specific day, spend lots of money, and still wind up fighting.

Since I am supposed to be thankful tomorrow, here are a few things on that list:

• Life! (this year I don't think my brother would argue with being thankful for that)
• Jesus
• My awesome internship, wonderful house (even the washer that thinks it has wings) and the wonderful women who occupy it with me
• Those same women, Ally and the boys (aka all the other interns) who I share a sweat shop style office with and put up with me while I have the scramps, am hangry, am tired, or have had too much coffee
• The children and students who I get to point toward Jesus. The fantastic bosses I have to point me toward Jesus
• My mom who has been my biggest support, my biggest fan (yes that is a Backstreet Boys reference), and my 2 am phone call when things are rough
• ALL of the rest of my supporters who are praying for me, checking in on me, and who have financially supported me. I wouldn't be here without every.single.one.of.you.
• My Mimi and Granddad who helped raise me and made me the woman I am today. Holidays haven't started getting easier without Granddad, but one day I know they will

This was Thanksgiving 1994 I believe

Like I said, in no way am I complaining or hating on Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are just two sides to every story, and I wouldn't change mine for anything. Anyways, I'll be the one with the entertaining stories come January ;)