Monday, October 6, 2014

I am here. We are Here.

I don't think the creators of the I Heart Radio music festival thought they would get the response to "We are here" that they did. It became the official hashtag for our team retreat last week. We happened to watch Alicia Keys perform her "original" "song" for the festival. I don't know what "We are here" meant to the producers, but to us it meant that we are here. Right now. At this retreat. We are here.

It's hard to believe I have been an intern for a month. It feels like it's flown by, yet gone slow enough that I can fully enjoy the moments as they're happening.  I have bonded with this group of individuals in an incredible way. We have family dinners on Monday nights, which are extremely entertaining, but I wouldn't expect anything less. When you have 9 like-minded and weird people in one space things tend to get a little crazy. So we started a twitter. If you know what's good for you, go follow us at @fccinterns. 


The last month has been wonderful, and I have been able to see the power of truth, grace, and mercy in action on a daily basis. In that same respect, it's been difficult. I have had little time to myself, yet always feel alone. I love all of the amazing people I get to do life with now, but I find myself missing my old life and the people who have been my main support system for the last few years. I have realized that I have taken those relationships for granted for too long, and I didn't even realize that is what I was doing until I moved. I'm no longer compelled to be out every night, and I don't miss it. And while I miss that community, I also know that the friends who have stuck with me through this will be the ones who are in it for the long haul.

I have already learned how important having a personal ministry is to having a successful ministry as an intern. It is so easy to say "I prayed 8 times on Sunday, I don't need to spend any time God today". That may be easy to say at the time, but I have already experienced the exhausting repercussions of that statement. I had been warned to make sure that doesn't happen, and maybe it was human nature that I had to learn it the hard way but I did. I became overwhelmed and exhausted simply because of a compliment. I love what I do, but I began to question God's judgement of my character. I know I am not perfect and will always fall short of His glory, but it became to take over my thoughts.

God was able to pull me back to Him quicker than He has in the past, and for that I am very thankful. In my eyes I was still an outsider, and I still wondered "why me". I think I will always wonder that. Why did God decide that this is the path for me at this time? Why did he let me experience so much heartache, so much let down, and so much emotional and physical abandonment and then drop me here to be His messenger? I see how He can work through me, but I still don't get "why me".

Wednesday I returned home no longer an outsider. God was able to show me why I'm here. I saw how I got along with my fellow student ministry interns/roommates, teammates, and realized that God has called us all to minister to teenagers for a specific reason. I still don't know why me or what that reason is, but I have found comradery in the fact that I share so many similar attributes to these people. And that is the best "Why" I can have right now.

I still wonder "Why me" and "what if ______" (fill in the blank with any absurd, paranoid and codependent thought), but it doesn't define me right now. God has shown me that it is okay to miss my old life, as long as I reminisce on the good times and don't obsess over what isn't mine anymore. God has entrusted me with this life, and I don't want to waste it worrying and wishing things were different. Things are the way they are, and well....we are here.