"In the absence of love and belonging there will always be suffering"

The last couple weeks have been....interesting. It never ceases to amaze me how the enemy sneaks into my head to try to ruin everything I have going for me. Every time I tell myself how good I am with God and how much I love myself, one of my insecurities rears its ugly head and I turn into someone I don't want to be. Last week in a very angry and emotional state, I wrote a lot of things I don't know if I will ever publish, but tonight I'm going to be vulnerable and share some things I am working through.

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do" Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

The truth is, those insecurities have been present this whole time. I am a victim of abuse, and those insecurities are caused by that abuse. Do you want to know what I think about that? I think that's totally not fair. It's not fair that anyone gets to feel that pain. It's not fair that people get to treat others poorly. 

I know nothing is fair in the world. Bad things happen to undeserving people all of the time. There are even a ton of accounts of unfairness in the Bible. The Beatitudes in the Sermon on the Mount may even seem unfair. How are those who mourn "blessed"? Why do the poor in spirit get the kingdom of Heaven? 

The book of Ecclesiastes talks about how unfair things are too. 

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 2:17

What stuck out to me this week is this: 

Fools are put in many high positions while the rich occupy the low ones. I have seen slaves on horseback while prices go on foot like slaves.
Ecclesiastes. 10:6-7

In the past I've worked in environments where those who should have been pushed ahead were left behind, and those who have not deserved special treatments were favored over others. I've sat on both sides of this equation before, and when I read that I thought of some people who I know are feeling that kind of unfairness right now. 

But mostly I think it's totally unfair how the high position of being a parent can be occupied by someone who is such a fool. It's unfair how I can continue to love someone who has hurt me over and over again. And it's even more unfair that there is something in my brain that tells me I am the one in the wrong and that I should just roll over and go back. Even though I love them and try to show them grace, I feel like I am walking the fine line of showing grace and being trapped in a cycle of abuse. 

Right now I'm working through how to forgive that person and how to love them well. Even though I am a victim of abuse, I am ready to let go of all of this hurt and stop living as a victim. I am loved, and I am enough. 

But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 

1 Thessalonians 5: 8-11

I have a Heavenly Father who I am enough for and who loves me just as I am. Even though I know that, my hope is that one day I will actually be able to believe it. Until then, I will love God and praise Him for giving me this life that I have, giving me the ability to recognize I need to help myself, and use the tools I have to do so.