My first week I told my leads how easy it is for me to take on too much and that I need to be intentional about the projects I take and put limits on myself for what I'm responsible for. I felt like I was setting myself up for success with boundaries in place before I was overwhelmed. Boundaries have always been something I struggle with so I came into this season of my life hoping that would change. In retrospect, that was a very silly expectation.
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| Babe cave Christmas tree |
I need to tell you those things because I want to talk about the good and the bad of this internship experience. It's difficult to contain it to an email to my supporters, to a status update on Facebook, or a tweet (we all know how long winded I am, 160 characters will hardly ever suffice). Even writing a blog about it is difficult because it's the little things that you won't understand unless you were there that make this internship worth the sleepless nights, long drives and the feeling of constantly working. Luckily, when you do something you're passionate about work doesn't really feel like work. The hardest part of "working" for me is learning how to use my computer.
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| West Campus Kids Min ladies and Alison |
It's hard to imagine that I can say that we just completed the very first semester of student ministry at the west campus. It has been such an amazing experience to see this ministry grow and change in the few months I have been around. I have loved seeing our students form friendships with other students and leaders and to see the wheels turning in their brain when they think about Jesus. I have learned so much from them! I am torn between having feelings of thankfulness that my Sundays have gone from 14 hours to 6 hours but also being disappointed that I will only get to see the students at church on Sunday mornings. Luckily next semester will start in 3 weeks and we will all come back rested with a fire ready to go until summer.
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| Controlled Chaos leaders at the Christmas party! |
A few of the highlights from the last four months include: having difficult conversations with students, meeting parents, playing octoball until my ribs are no longer in place (true story), bonding with the other interns during our Monday night dinners and feeling even more togetherness during our Tuesday morning staff meeting. I have gotten to see parts of children's ministry, student ministry, Merge, and our women's community teams and their programs that I would have never gotten to see.
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| West Campus ladies with Amanda at Breakfast Club! |
- I organized volunteers for "My One Wedding" and got to watch 8 couples take their lives together a step further by living together in a marriage in the way that God wanted it to be.
- I taught a lesson in preschool ministry for the first time
- I played with 7 rambunctious kids way past my personal bedtime so the members of our worship team could enjoy an evening to celebrate a successful year before the craziness of the Christmas season kicked in
- I have met some awesome people who I share so many hobbies, interests, life experiences, and struggles with
- I got put in charge of social media outlets. Go figure I'm FINALLY being paid to be on Facebook! haha
- Twitter: FCCInterns
- FSM West Facebook
- My Personal Facebook Group
- I've learned a lot about myself, my heart, and my intentions with people
- I've praised God, prayed to God, cried to God, questioned Him and yelled at Him
- I even attended my very first church lock-in (yes at 25 years old), and can now say I've slept at my place of employment. Although I think I took more of a nap
I have also struggled a lot, but learned that it is okay. And I've prayed a lot. Like a lot. For different things and people, but I'm never really clear. And then I thank God that He knows my heart and that He hears my prayers when even I don't know what I'm praying about.
More than work, I struggle having boundaries with my family. I know I have some unhealthy relationships. I've worked for years to set boundaries, and I always wind up guilting myself into going back into bad habits. I've been doing pretty well with sticking to my guns, but it's not easy. I have cried and prayed about these relationships so much over the last 12 months, and that has sincerely increased since September. Boundaries means protecting myself, not doing too much, and being a safe person.
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| putting my feet up after a long weekend to watch the game in the empty auditorium |
I may have told my leads how easy it is for me to take on too much, but I should have taken my own warning. I always do what needs to get done, and I am fine. I was worried about working too much, even as an intern. And while some weeks will be much busier than others, I know it is only temporary. Emotionally, I try to bear too many burdens. My heart takes too much responsibility for those closest to me, including my family and friends. Sometimes saying "no" is the best way to show real love, but it also can be the most devastating. I have come to a fork in the road where I will be saying no a lot. I won't be allowing myself to stress over and worry about the things God has under control.
This weekend was a particularly crazy one. From Merge lock-ins, women's breakfasts, leader lunches and obnoxiously bad timed disappointment. To my normal Sunday routine of kids ministry, but subbing Sunday night programing with football and crafts. This weekend I also went to the ballet with my mom and made time for some friends, something I haven't been the best at doing. I cherish the little time that I get to spend with them now, and need to be much more appreciative. Those friends put up with me being crazy and sometimes add to it, but that's what I love about them.
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| This is my Olaf. Tina gave him to me because I glued his eyes too far apart. |
On my drive home last night I listened to "More like falling in love" by Jason Grey. I was reflecting about life, friendships, and the love that I have for my family and friends. Something has been missing for a couple weeks and I couldn't figure out what it was. I think the 3 consecutive nights of 3-4 hours of sleep, no mid-day naps, and an awfully and beautifully busy weekend opened my eyes and I realized I was starting to just go through the motions. So this weekend I re-fell in love with Jesus. I never thought that I had fallen out of love with Him, but somewhere along the lines, as I uncrossed a few wires a few more got crossed.
I'm not looking for love from my crazy friends anymore, because I know God loves me (and they love me too). I'm not looking for love from those unhealthy familial relationships because God loves me. I'm not looking for love in any kind of outlet because God's love is enough for me right now, always. God still loves me even on the days that I don't read a book, finish something on time, yell at my mom, or don't clean up a mess. God still loves me even on days when I'm so focused on myself I forget to love Him back. Everything will be okay, because God loves me.
I'm not looking for love from my crazy friends anymore, because I know God loves me (and they love me too). I'm not looking for love from those unhealthy familial relationships because God loves me. I'm not looking for love in any kind of outlet because God's love is enough for me right now, always. God still loves me even on the days that I don't read a book, finish something on time, yell at my mom, or don't clean up a mess. God still loves me even on days when I'm so focused on myself I forget to love Him back. Everything will be okay, because God loves me.
