What do you do when Netflix isn't working?

Write a blog I guess. That's seriously what I need to get me writing. I've sat down with this silly window open more times than I can count with the intention of gracefully articulating my life, but for some reason nothing comes out. However over the last few months I've had some wonderful experiences and opportunities that I want to share! Even though I'm sure all of you who actually read this have heard these stories multiple times already.

There are few times where I'm crying more often than not, but the end of March proved to be one of those times. I had felt unneeded, unworthy and very lost for so long. But out of that I saw so much of His love, and I got something so spectacular and so beautiful in return: To spend an entire day with my nephews in Florida. Oh I love those little boys so much. They're just not so little anymore. They are so full of personality and spunk and are really growing up. When I think about  my siblings getting older I always feel old, but knowing that my oldest Nephew is going into middle school and is almost taller than me kills me. It makes me feel like I need to eat early bird dinners, take up knitting and go to bed at 7 pm. Oh wait....just kidding I got to bed at 9.

I was able to see these boys grow, ask me questions about me, our family and most importantly JESUS. How AWESOME is that??? HIS love is so in their hearts, and it makes my heart so insanely happy to know that they know, at such a young age, how much He loves them.

In April my family experienced a tragedy that I have been all too familiar with over the last few years: one of my grandparents died. Being Memorial Day weekend, it's a little emotional to think about Granddad and Grandpa Kenny being gone. But my dad's dad Lentz passed away in April, and even though I had only met him a handful of times, I still joined my family to remember him.

His passing brought something so great and so sweet to our family, something that I hope everyone saw at his memorial: he brought us all together. He brought us all into this world, and him leaving to be with Jesus brought us all together for the first time in almost 16 years.

I'm very thankful that this happened in this season of my life. I work in a place where I can call and tell them something just happened and I'm allowed to take care of it and be with my family. I have friends, roommates, teammates who prayed for me and with me through that time. I truly believe I couldn't have been present with my family the way I was without their support.

Back in September my step mom, her family and I made a decision that I would be a "parent" chaperone for my brother and sister's school trip to Yellowstone National Park and The Grand Tetons. It felt like it would never come, but alas I went on that trip a couple of weeks ago! I had so much fun. It was challenging, but it was fun.

The win of the trip was watching my little brother hike up at the front of the group with the guide and then tell his whole class that he really enjoyed hiking, and that he liked that they let him go at his own pace instead of forcing him to do something more than he wanted to do. I wasn't as able to spend as much quality time with my sister because...well boys are more important that sisters sometimes. My biggest takeaway from that trip was 1) learning the extent to which middle schoolers are like hummingbirds, 2) realizing middle school is so awkward, but these kids are awesome and have awesome teachers to see them through it, and 3) they say some of the weirdest things I've heard in my life. I was constantly entertained. It was really cool to see LT and Tana be with their friends, and for me to be around their friends too. My siblings are really cool little people, and I'm so grateful to be their sister.

LT will be in high school, and Tana is growing up way too fast. We are entering into a new season of our sibling-ship...and it's really easy for me to be negative about it. I want to get so mad about how late he sleeps and how her attitude is through the roof, but I can't. I was like that once. I can still be like that now. I can't continue to project my anger on myself out on them. Now, Jesus has given me words to have tough conversations with them in a loving way, and given me the ability to be stern with them without losing the trust and respect that we have for each other. I am no longer carrying the burden of my past, I am no longer gripping that anger, and I no longer feel the need to displace it on them. I can love them, even through their teenager years.

I'm entering into one of the last phases of this internship. I've found a new home in August and will soon begin the job hunt. The first official school year of student ministry at west campus has wrapped up, and I am in shock and awe that God chose me to help this team launch that ministry. Me. I had no experience. Regularly I tell myself I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll talk myself down, and immediately shoot back up. Never-ending.  I'm less than a year out of a horrendous lifestyle. But even though I felt unexperienced, God gave me the ability to take myself out of the equation, lead our leaders well, and pour into the students.

I was given the opportunity to use my gifts and I excelled. I found excitement in things I have never liked before, and found that I have strengths and gifts in areas that I would have never imagined. I have seen how God takes everything from the good, the bad, and most especially the ugly pieces of our lives and works them for HIS Glory!

Learning to be vulnerable and uncomfortable is my new "comfort zone" and I will continue to look for ways to step outside of that box and let God do His thing. He has truly changed my heart. It's no longer about the long list of "can't", "don't", and "won't"s...but all of the things I "can", "do", and "will".

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
-Philippians 4:13

I see this every day because I made it a permanent part of my body, but I still forget what it means often. I have it because I'm physically strong, but also because Christ gives me life!! I CAN do all things, not "I can't because ________". I'm tired of thinking that way. I tend to run and hide when it comes to all things vulnerable, emotional, or difficult. While confrontation still isn't my strong suit, Christ's strength is giving me strength to move forward, make better choices, and see what He does in my life, and not just what doesn't happen.